Greg Voisen
Well, welcome back to Inside Personal Growth. This is Greg Voisen, host of Inside Personal Growth. And I have joining me, John Henry Parker. John and I have known for many, many years. And our paths crossed again because of his new book that he's got called Be the Dawn In The Darkness. Good day to you, John Henry, how you doing?

John Henry Parker
Good. Great. Great to see you, Greg.

Greg Voisen
It's great to have you on the show. And as we were talking pre the show for all of my listeners, this book is a very raw hero's journey. Very, very open. And he's very, I don't say authentic. During this, and the stories that are told, are really captivating, extremely captivating. It's very well written book. So kudos to you for writing such a great book. And it's a book that anybody can relate to. That's what I want people to know. All of these difficulties and traumas that we go through during our life a lot of times get put under the rug, and we don't address them. And John Henry is here to help you listen, and be open to you addressing these and I want to tell him a little bit about you. He's an American writer, narrator, team communication consultant. He says my condition, my credentials are my life experiences. And when you start to hear what we're going to talk about here, you'll say, Oh, my goodness, I realized now that your life experiences, there's a thing called experiential intelligence. It's like spiritual intelligence. It's like EQ, but there's experiential intelligence. And if there's anyone that has it, it's John Hendry. He considers himself a subject matter expert and researchers in the areas of trauma, depression, anxiety and shame. He speaks to humans, I believe humans race is running dangerously low on humanity says, the qualities that make us human are what I'm referring to. The ability to love have compassion and empathy for one another, and then permission that we give ourselves to share and create genius pen up inside. He really works a lot with veterans, transitioning veterans and their families. And in the memory of his son, Jan, Danny facto, was killed in excessive speed related motorcycle accident after completing his military service, also received a Purple Heart. For those of you who want to know more about John Henry, go to harvesting wisdom.com That's harvesting wisdom.com we'll actually put a link to that in this blog entry of our so just remember, you can learn more about the book the audiobook, by the way, for all those listeners, this book breaks on March 23. And John Henry, thanks for joining this morning. And, you know, like many families, some relationships are tumultuous, some are challenging, whether it's mom or its dad, or it's a sister, or a brother, or siblings. There are all kinds of challenges because one of the most challenging things we have to navigate during our life, most of us are relationships. You and your brother and sister had a very what's called tumultuous and abusive relationship with an alcoholic father. If you would help set the stage for the book by telling us a little about your dad. Because the way you talk about him in the book is just so descriptive, that I can see a picture of him almost it's like, Man, I can actually see the man because and I'll tell you why. Now, here's where my listeners can kind of relate. He was writing this about his dad, big guy, lots of muscles. That was my dad. My dad was a lot like John Henry's dad, although he didn't use alcohol. He just was angry. He was angry a lot. And you had to watch out when he pulled out his belt, because he had a little whip belt that he would pull out. And we all at times maybe have had this or something similar. So why did you write the book? Why now at this stage in your life later stage in your life? Explore all this and what do you want people to know?

John Henry Parker
Well, there's a lot in that question. I can tell you I started writing the book as a therapeutic writing project. Because I just started writing about certain painful things in my life. And I thought, if I just write about them, and I can get them outside of myself, I can look at them, you know, that might help. And it did. And the more I wrote, the more I came up with all these pieces of work that I started noticing that there was patterns. And there were times in my life where this was really present and real. But then I grew and evolved, and something else would happen. So I started reading about that. So it really began as just a way to kind of deal with unresolved trauma, you know, unprocessed trauma. And the more I got this outside of myself, the more I realized how therapeutic it was. It, it came to me one day looking at my desk full of papers in my folders on my computer, that there was something here and I'm a big fan of Joseph Campbell's work that he was journey. And so I started looking at graphics that represent the ARC of this hero's journey. And I pulled out a graphic, and I put it in PowerPoint, and I started creating little, teeny text squares. And I started writing all these little experiences chronologically, to follow the arc of the hero's journey. And then I come through it more and more and more, the more I looked at it, the more I saw my table of contents, you know, and, and so I created my table of contents, and I took the chapters that I already written. And I've plugged them right in. And it gave me just like a structure to think from and then I started with all the easiest ones first, and I saved the most painful to the very, very last. And I spent most of COVID writing this, it was my COVID project. And it took me about full two to three years now looking full circle. And so I read, I really wanted to write it because I needed to get it out of me and I needed to look at it.

Greg Voisen
Well, you can tell that it was very cathartic for you. I mean, ality when you when you look at how well you express yourself, and you follow the hero's journey, it truly was, and is, I should say, a tremendous work of love, you know, you could see that self-compassion was a big deal for you, you know, this relationship with your dad didn't have a ton of compassion in it, right? There was actually, as you mentioned in the book, a lot of hate. And there were things that he did, but it came full circle. You know, it went all the way around full circle. And I want to acknowledge you for that. Because a lot of people never take it full circle. They don't ever come back and we use it a term you use determine their and I haven't. And one of the questions that was so appropriate that you were extremely tolerant of this man at the end, right? I mean, where you could have just stayed angry the rest of your life.

John Henry Parker
Right? Well, growing up. I mean, he was a violent Korean War, a Marine Corps combat veteran, and it was terrible for him. And he would never talk about it. If there was ever anything, any kind of war movie on TV, he would just immediately stand up and walk out of the room. He was incredibly traumatized. And then he went to Vietnam. And got as a as a reconnaissance photographer. He joined the Air Force out of them after the Marine Corps became a reconnaissance photographer, and he got shot down with his pilot over Vietnam, and, and he had to evade capture. And that live in the water in the swamps, whatever. So that was even more traumatizing. So that's about when I came along, and my sisters and brothers and my sister and brother and I came along and he was just, he was really abused physically as a child, you know, and so he, he didn't really have the tools. But I gotta tell you, I'm not letting him off the hook because it's what he did was criminal and he should have gone to prison. There's so much worse far beyond getting spanked and getting abused once in a while. It was just relentless. It was continuous. And, you know, I

Greg Voisen
had PTSD, you know that and, and, you know, when I when I saw your description of him, I could relate to my dad, my dad grew up in an orphanage. He didn't have anything. He was in the Korean War as well. And I remember him when he you know, he would bring out these little artifact from where he was similar to your dad, right? And, but he was very angry. And I asked him I said, Hey, Dad, I remember once did you ever kill anybody? He goes, Yeah, and that wasn't the end of it. It was like I did. And then I said, how? And he said, Well, I was the mechanic for the jeeps and all the halftracks and stuff that was over there. And I was working on a guy tried to steal one and I actually knives tip, I stuck my bayonet knife through on her his knife. And I was like, wow, you know, and I'm only saying, you know, this is just one little incident, you can imagine what these guys deal with that are on the front line. You know, I mean, my dad wasn't on the front line even. And he was dealing with the trauma of what he had done, right. And you know, in this hero's journey, you right away, go from that very descriptive chapter to this chapter where you talk about your great aunt clad. Now this woman really was the pinnacle of giving you hope, and your life. And you referenced her, and you always receive three books from her at Christmas, you said, and you speak about a special note that she tucked away in this book about Michelangelo, that really had an impact on you. What I'd like you to do is tell the listeners the story, and the important message your aunt was telling you as a young man, about you know, Michelangelo, because you put a quote in the book, actually, that was there. And I it was about chiseling away. Right? Um, and, you know, this aunt was really very, very special. And I can relate because I had an aunt that was pretty much the same way.

John Henry Parker
Right? Well, the book is about, for me, it's there's, there's, it's about a lot of things. But one of the main things that I love the most about it is really paying attention to the matriarchs and patriarchs of families, and healthy adults. It just takes one healthy adult to care and to listen and to tell you, you're going to do extraordinary things with your life as a young child. And my whole thing is I believed her because she said it, she was that much of a wise matriarch of our family. And so every year, she would send these books and even before I could read, I would just look at the pictures. And it was my way of escaping. My mom and I would escape through movies and books and adventures and that sort of thing. Kind of could time travel in my mind, because I was so stuck in my environment, that I had a vivid imagination. So looking at the statue of David and talking to glad about it, she's, she's just really, really clear. You know that, you know, matter of fact, I'll just read the quote that was in this little, yeah, be great. Remember the story of the sculpting of David, through your most challenging experiences, you must chip away all that is not you to discover your true self and your life's purpose. You know, this is five years old. Yeah. And then I come across it again, when I'm 12 and 13. And I call her you know, and she's like, it's just so funny this how this whole thing works. Because she had a choice. She was she lived up in Ottawa, she worked for the French Embassy. And what after she retired, she would come live with us in Phoenix to get out of the winter cold for two months a year. And she couldn't live with my grandparents, a few hours away, down in Nogales, but she decided to come to Phoenix once a year, and embed herself in our house. And I now know and I knew later on that she did that. So she could give us some safety for a period of time away from my father because he would not dare, like offend her in any way. He was just a consummate gentle gentleman. And, you know, but before she would arrive, he would put us against the wall in the hallway and poke us in the chest and tell us we don't talk about what happens here in our home. If I hear anything from glad you will pay and he's punctuating while he's thumping us in the chest. You know, that's the kind of scariness that we grew up with. And so Gladys is just an incredible person in our life. She was awarded the French Legion Medal of Honor by the French government after the war, after the war. And she was the only Canadian journalist during the Nazi invasion of France and in Paris. And so up into the building up to the war, she was there as a Canadian journalist and she would go into Germany as a tourist and go to all the all the big marches and meet with people and talk to people and bring those stories back in her head. So she was really a pretty heroic woman. And so

Greg Voisen
she was also kind of a savior. She wasn't savior for you, like your grandparents. You know you had this tumultuous relationship with your father, but your mother was very loving, and kind and supportive. But you have this angry kind of beast of a father. Right? And but all around you, John Henry, you had a support structure, like what the hero's journey is about, right? It's like, okay, good endeavor out on the journey. You know, I certainly wasn't having a great relationship with my dad. But I had a good relationship with my grandparents, I had a good relationship with my aunt. I had all these other people in my life that were supporting you along the way. And if you would you tell great story about the upbringing in the book and special relationship you had with your grandparents. Can you tell the listeners about the time you were staying with your grandparents, and I thought this story was particularly poignant. And you ran into the street, and I can't remember what age you were at that time. And you said right out in the middle of the traffic, I'm all powerful. That's what you said, I'm all powerful. How did that make you feel? Now the repercussions afterwards from your grandparents weren't? Like the best your grandmother was like, Hey, what the hell are you doing kid go a run out in the street? What do you believe you were seeking by your actions? In other words, what was this? What were you trying to gain at that point in your life that you didn't have any of was it recognition? Was it the fact that you are all powerful? What, what was it that you needed a dose of,

John Henry Parker
I needed to find some kind of power because at that time, I was sitting at my grandparents’ house, and I was watching TV with my grandfather, like I always did, tucked into this big old chair that he had. And there was a show on TV where there was a bank robbery or something. And this policeman just walked right out in traffic and put his hands up, and everybody just screech to a halt. And I thought, Man, that's power. Like, I want to be a policeman. I remember telling my grandfather, I want to be a policeman, right? I want to be powerful like that. Because I thought, I knew I had no power whatsoever. And if I became a policeman, my father would never mess with our family again. So I just wired it up. So I'm like, I gotta figure this out. So I crawled off the couch, the up the chair, and I went to the kitchen, and I looked and wait, if my grandmother turned away, and I snuck out in the garage, and I ran down to the street, I had to know what it feels like. So I walked right out on the street in a car whizzed by, and I kept walking out and I put my hands up, you know, and all the cars stopped in both directions started honking. Right? And so just like the policeman, I was all powerful, right? And I'm, I'm just totally, like, amped up. And then I get snatched up and ran back to the house. And what are you doing? Are you crazy? And so they scold me, they didn't spank me, they scolded me and sent me to my room. But then, within about five minutes, I'm like, I gotta know if that was for real. And I wouldn't did it again. And some guy walking by snatch me up, and my grandmother grabbed him, and they hurt them more than hurt me. But compared to my dad, my grandfather picked me up by the belt loops of my little pants, and my grandmother hit me with a flyswatter. And I, I screamed convincingly, right?

Greg Voisen
Well, I can tell you this. For my listeners, right now, the book is filled with great stories, but there's lessons from all these stories, you know, and the lessons are what you're kind of dealing with psychologically and love the way you kind of blend it in as you tell the story. And you felt as if something was wrong with you, because of the result of your dad. And you felt numb because of all of the abuse. And I can imagine, you know, I can only imagine, what message do you have for the listeners that might be in a relationship like this? And how do they go about making either an escape if necessary, or healing the relationship if possible? Hmm.

John Henry Parker
Wow. I just speak of fear speaking for myself. I had a prevailing belief that there must be something wrong with me. And so it caused me to be distant and numb and not really fully available to friendships or relationships, because there's definitely something wrong with me is what I was raised with, you know, and I thought that way until I was in my 20s and 30s. And I was just doing everything I could to look and walk and talk couldn't be like everybody else, like successful people. And I was crafting this really important persona. But I lacked, I call it an internal cohesion. Like the, the projection that I put out to everybody certainly did not match myself. You know, I saw worth and my, you know, who I who I was inside and that that was really

Greg Voisen
good. How did you How'd you know that? I think the term that's been used before it's like there's a cognitive dissonance. Right? And, and, you know, it's like, what matches up with who I am and who I really want to be is two different things, you know, but obviously, this abusive relationship was the impetus for this, you reaching this point in your life, right, of not feeling worthy of not just feeling numb inside? Right? I could assume that you probably felt somewhat worthless.

John Henry Parker
Well, yeah, it was lower than then shame. You know, and I just had a father who used to, you know, just call me bad names, you know, that were just like, really disempowering. And, and my mother wouldn't, my mother wouldn't divorce them. So we were just forced to be in this relationship. And I say in the book, but thank goodness, my, my great aunt, she, I'll just call her Glad, glad provision to me really well, she said, Watch out for the people you least expect that you're going to bump into, because there's most of the time, they are here to teach you the most. So pay attention to the messengers that are constantly coming into your life. If you get broken down on a flat tire, guess what, there's somebody special, it's coming your way, pay attention. So these little nuggets, she just dripped on me as a little boy. And, and then for and one of those messengers, I happen to meet two weeks before I got out of the Marine Corps. And it changed the trajectory of my life completely. It's five minute conversation. So

Greg Voisen
well, there's always, you know, the hero's journey, as Joseph Campbell says, you know, out there all the time, you know, there are people there to help you, near what your aunt was saying is, you know, you, you just had to be aware of where they were, and listen, you know, and I think that's really important. And you reach this young adulthood, where you're carrying around lots of anger, let's face it, as a young adult, you weren't a really good kid. Okay? To say the least, at least, what's depicted in the book, speak with the listeners about what anger and resentment does to one soul, and why these emotions are so dangerous. Well, I,

John Henry Parker
I got so used to it that I didn't think I was being bullied or terrorized in the neighborhood, I got so used to it that I just didn't have a lot of self-worth. You know, when I left my house, my mom would ask me to go to the store. And there were there were groups of predators, like groups of guys gangs are guys that would constantly be chasing me down and, you know, just constantly getting beat up by groups of guys, you know, so I wouldn't say if in the home, I wasn't safe outside the home. And it can, it conditioned us a feeling of helplessness, like I was so thoroughly stuck, that I really didn't have any options and that that has a compounding effect. Over time, on your psyche, living. The adverse childhood experiences, the ACE scale, you know, if somebody has suffered from childhood abuse, that's a really good thing to take in on a scale of one to 10 on a 10. You know, if you're above a four, there are all kinds of predispositions that one has for alcohol, alcoholism, drug addiction, you get above four to six, and they're statistically you're gonna lose 20 years off your life. And I think mostly because of unresolved trauma, unresolved issues that you just can't get out of your system.

Greg Voisen
Well, the stress that causes in your life and it's, it's a chronic stress, you know, it's not one that ever goes away. There are all kinds of stressors we have in our lives, but they're not all chronic. Great. And so when you take that ace test, and I'll put a shout out to Dr. Brian Allman, for any of you looking to get more information about ace, he we have a podcast with him. But we have several with him. But you're right. I mean, you know, look, you felt hopeless and at the same time, you know, you had to fight back. You had to find a way to fight back So you were you were doing all kinds of things. And, and I didn't put this in my questions, but I'm bringing it up. Now, you know, you, your brother Russ was killed tragically, and had been doing drugs. And as a result, when they finally did the autopsy at the time of, you know him in his motorcycle accident, you literally, you know, he had been, I guess you've been taking cocaine and all kinds of things, right. But you had a special relationship with him. And I felt really sad at that point. And that in the book, and now it was. So speak about that, because where I'm going with this is, you know, this is about relationships. This is about healing. And that's one that I'm not certain that you ever got a chance to heal.

John Henry Parker
Yeah, it's tough. I lost my only brother to a high motorcycle accident. And then I lost my only son to a high speed motor motorcycle accident. Exactly. So this has been a, it's this book has been as much about grief and loss, like I say, in the book, grief and loss of my two greatest teachers in trauma as a close third. You know, so we had a special relationship. And, but it was, it was on the verge of abuse of it at times, because he was like, six foot five, with a full beard size. 13 and a half shoe was like 16 He was like a huge guy, you know, and I'm a skinny little kid, you know? So we were we were close because we lived in trauma together. Right? We bonded in trauma, a big time. And he was my brother, and nobody can mess with them. But we had a close relationship, but he really got something from my dad, that's level, I think we all did this level of volatility. And you know, and when I want to go to the Marine Corps, I came home one day, he tried to pull that on me and, and I just beat him up, you know, and so it shifted our relationship, but we but we needed that like, like, he needed to look me in the eye and just talk to me and not be his little brother anymore. And so when he passed away, it was, it was the strangest thing, seeing him on the table identifying, you know, like, he's there. But he's not here, like, where did he go? I was just astonished with this whole thing. And I never, I never really felt the pain, I just go numb. And I just I just check out, you know, and so I buried all my feelings with us and just moved on. But that's just a symptom of trauma. It's like, you don't have the capacity to cope. So you just go numb, and I'm fine. I'll get through it.

Greg Voisen
I think that's important for the listeners because you know, grieving. I lost two brothers this last three years, not from COVID, one from Parkinson's, the other from a heart condition. And, you know, I found it even challenging to kind of grieve through that process, you know, being very personal. And, and I don't think it has anything to do with them being a brother, it has to do with the relationship you've built along the way. Were you very close? Did you spend a lot of time together? Were you sharing similar likes and things that you'd like to do? And I have to say, you know, there were four of us. And I have to say with those two brothers in particular, there wasn't a lot of that going on. It was kind of like you grew up and they went their way you want your way kind of thing, right? And so it's in a lot of families. This is true. I know. I'm speaking the truth. Because you're a lot of times you're closer to your best friend than you are to your brother or your sister. Right? So it is it is interesting because you find people that are closer in relationship to you because of the things that you're bonded by. Right. And you were bonded by something kind of negative, actually, which was your father's abuse to the two of you. And you tell a story about your father. It he used to work as a bouncer in a nightclub in Arizona and I just thought this was just like, I read this and I was like, I was I was almost in tears. The following morning, he would tell you about the fights that he had with patrons and they broke up you said sometimes he came on with a black guy or a knife mark or whatever he had on him. And one morning he was acting out with you and said that if you were ever in a fight with a Mexican which in Arizona, there are a lot in California, there are a lot to break their fingers because they all have knives and they know how to use them. Okay. I couldn't even believe that statement, to be honest with you that that actually could come out of somebody's mouth, but I guess it did it was your dad. This incident must have had an indelible imprint on your mind. And what do you take away from this encounter with your father? That is much deeper than just the statement? Because what he told you in that statement? Was he, I guarantee your father had plenty of prejudices? Okay. It just is, there was one of them. But there was only one small one. I can really guarantee you it. He had plenty of prejudices along the way.

John Henry Parker
Probably. I took it as kind of strange, that's for sure. And he didn't say fingers is that if you're going to fight with a Mexican and break their hands, because they don't carry knives? And I'm like, No, what I thought about I'm like, you know, I live in I live in southwest Phoenix, like, all my friends are Mexicans. And they all they all had knives. And I'm like, okay with that make sense. And they didn't know how to use them. And so it's like, it was a bad neighborhood. You know, what was really what was really shocking, is he told me to pick up a knife off the table. And to come at him and try to stab him. Yeah. And he took out his Billy club. And I'm like, I'm not going to stab you. And he totally thumped me on the arm. He came at me and tried to stab me. And eventually he coaxed me into and I came at him, I tried to stab him. And he knocked my wrist with this stick so hard that the knife flew across the room, you know, and it really hurt. And he's, and I, you know, didn't, he didn't care that I was in pain, he's like, go get the knife. Come at me another way. You know, and so I start swishing the knife out, and back and forth, coming towards him. And he, he clocks me in the elbow, and the knife flies away. You know, he's like, don't fight the knife. You know? And, I mean, he wouldn't, he wouldn't let me take karate to defend myself, but it'll teach me how to fight with knives. I mean, it just like that, you know, this is the kind of warped fathering relationship I had with him.

Greg Voisen
Yeah, it was a it was a very compelling story. I mean, you know, I, I don't think I've ever read a book that has had that kind of compelling of a story. But I think this leads us to this point that you want the readers to kind of get from this. And you have a chapter entitled finding your inner compass. Okay? And what advice would you have for our listeners about finding this inner compass, because it is really a key thing, right? It's like, we're all trying to find it. And with somebody who's been through as much abuse, and as much trauma, you know, all your military career, everything aside, all my listeners, when you get this book, you're gonna get to read about all of that. How did you ultimately and your estimation, or are you still looking for it, find your inner compass?

John Henry Parker
Well, glad would always talk to me about you know, you're going to find your purpose, you're going to find what you're here to do in the world. And she just kept talking to me about what is your purpose, you know, and, and, quite frankly, it is not in the book, but survive the neighborhood. Okay, and then you have to go to school, go in the military, but get out of here. That was our strategy. You know, she, she used to say, you're going to be an adult a lot longer than you are a child, this will end sooner than you think it's going to take a few years. So she was provisioning me for the hero's journey on a constant and regular basis. Like some, this is a big one, someday, someday, you're going to have kids and I want you to make a promise with me that you will never ever break. And then when that you're granted, your son has children, he'll pass it on to them. And she said that your father has been incredibly abusive to you, but you're different. And you're going to be an adult a lot longer than you're going to be a child. And when your son is old enough, I want them I want you to make when you're when your children are old enough, I want you to make this same promise. And that promise is that you will never raise a hand you never hit your children in anger than you'll never have them live in fear of you. This is how we break the generational cycle because you will have a family Sunday. It's just really bad right now bad things are happening. So these little nuggets and then sure enough when I had what had my son when he was old enough, eight years old. I said I want to I want to make a promise with you. You know, and then when he was 24 in the military, he thanked me for making that promise that we never hit each other So my whole thing was, I gotta break this generational cycle, this hereditary violence of the men in my family is just, it's just too prevalent, it's going to repeat itself. So she was provisioning me once again, for how to be a healthy person, because I'm going to have more choices when I'm an adult. And this little promise is just one example of, you know, I never I'm not a violent person, I have, you know, I had a rage problem. But I wasn't really violent. I was triggered by authority figures and people trying to control me. And it was bad recipe. And then if you throw in a bunch of beer in, then it really gets pretty violent. Yeah.

Greg Voisen
Well, you know, you the opportunity you had from the hero and the hero's journey with this case was glad, you know, was the reminder of who you could be. And your inner compass was really realizing that, that you didn't have to do this through anger and violence, right? That you could raise children in your life, as she said, you're going to be an adult a lot longer than you're going to be a child, you'll get through this. And I would agree with that. I mean, and when you look at this thing called a histogram, many of my listeners know, it's like the history of your family, right? It's like your grandfather, your great grandfather, and you see patterns that start to occur in a histogram. Right? And I'll never forget this author that I was interviewing John Henry, not that long ago, talking about something very similar to what you just said. And I think this is very poignant. So his, he was in the kitchen, and he and his brother decided to play with knives and there was a babysitter. And they had a set of knives and they're swinging these knives around. And this babysitter, which was a male babysitter, grab to get them to stop doing it. And in the process, he cut the babysitter's finger off. Okay? Right. So now think about this, cut the babysitter's finger off, like they call they get the emergency. Take him down. Fortunately, they sewed his finger back on again. But here's the moral to that story. He thought his dad was going to beat the living shit out of him when he got home for the knife fight. But he didn't. He said, Oh, that's okay. He was very complacent about the whole thing. You know, I know you guys are just kind of acting out. And he didn't reprimand him. He didn't hit him. He didn't. He didn't do anything. But what he did tell him was, you know, my father was part of the Jewish mafia. And I had to live up with a father that beat the holy shit out of me. My leg, literally, so you're talking about breaking a pattern. He said, I got beat for everything by my dad, because he was just an angry man. So this Skye's grandfather, right? So they broke the pattern with his father, and his father, this it made him look at his children, like you're doing and become a loving, compassionate, understanding individual. And that leads me to John Henry, in the chapter, the dude from Philly, you came to an understanding with your father, that, that you knew you no longer needed to hurt him? What happened to you? And how did you let go of all the anger you had within over the years? And what should the listeners know about one, self-compassion and compassion for others? Because look, you beat yourself up for a long time. John Henry beat himself out based on what I could tell in the book for a long time.

John Henry Parker
Right? Well, I went in the Army briefly. And then I went in the Marine Corps. And I did it because I wanted him to be proud of me. So it's really kind of a twisted sense of, I need no it's

Greg Voisen
not. No, it's, it's, you're trying to get recognition. It's very normal. Yeah, very normal for you know, the pattern you're talking about, is you're looking for somebody who was never proud of you to be proud of you. So you did something that you thought would make him proud of you.

John Henry Parker
Which made me very angry. Like when I say twisted, I was twisted up inside because of all the abuse and here I am joining the Marine Corps and crowded me. So that was a form of magma. You know, that really, so I went in because I was just tired of being messed with and I was just not going to, I was gonna I wasn't going to have it anymore. You know? On so I gained 2030 pounds. And, you know, I just became a military athlete like all of us were. And, you know, when I come back, I, I took him for a drive one day. And he was, he was nervous. I'm like, I gotta go across town to run an errand, you want to come with me, and I need to talk to you. So you lay reluctantly got in the car with me. And then I went up the freeway, and I pulled off on a pull behind an old abandoned gas station. Now I can see him visit visibly, like, like, ready to fight. Like, and, and I just, I just looked over at him, and he was getting older. And, and I just, I just, I just thought about glad. And I thought about like, I'm not you. I'm not you. You know, there's a sense of gratitude for glad that just came over me. And I was and it was, it was like, you know, I need to have a conversation with you. And I just started talking to you about what some of the frustrations are, that I've been experiencing in my life, you know, didn't attack him. I just said, this is what I'm doing. And I couldn't believe it. He started crying. And he said, you know, he started telling me that he had the same problems. And we, in a weird way, we kind of struck a chord.

Greg Voisen
And horse,

John Henry Parker
I was still I was, man. I later in life, I let him have it. Like, I didn't physically let him have it. But I later in life, because this was the first time I ever saw him, you know, in a way that he was relatable that he was actually talking with me. He

Greg Voisen
emote? It was the first time he really emoted. Right, yeah, so emotions show. And I remember reading that, and I was so happy that that actually occurred. For both.

John Henry Parker
Well, you're bringing up a good point, about 50%. The first 50 to 60% of the book is about the relentless pursuit of becoming who we are meant to be. It's like the stacking on experiences and just surviving and then learning and then growing. And then then it takes on the trajectory is interrupted. And a state takes on more of an aspirational trajectory. Okay, because it has to go through the pain, like it was really difficult to write this. But right up front, the very first chapter is about this little kid sitting with his aunt glad, because we had a secret, like every day, which for those two months, my sister and brother never figured it out. She'd get up at 430. And I'd hear her get up and start cooking bacon, Canadian bacon, cheddar cheese toast, and she made coffee cream and maple syrup. So I'd sneak out of the room. And I go hang out with her for like two to three hours every single morning and sit at her feet and talk with her. You know, and so, you know, these little things,

Greg Voisen
relating to and I think for all of my listeners is, you know, your father had this history, too. You didn't probably understand that history that got him to where he was. And many of us don't, you know, we may hear the story, but we don't know what it's like. And we don't have the tolerance or understanding for someone's behavior who's been that has been affected by how they were brought up. You know, so if you looked at your dad and said, Well, what was your dad? What was your grandfather? Like? You know, what was his grandfather like, right? And you go back in time, and you'll find that there's patterns, there are patterns. Alcoholism is a pattern usually, you know, sometimes it skips a generation. But the reality is, alcohol and drugs are patterns. Anger and abuse are patterns. And those patterns are there. And I'm so happy you wrote this book, because you show how you can break that pattern. You actually said, You came home, and you termed this the tumultuous relationship had turned into one of tolerable neutrality is what you say. What lesson did you learn and what do you what could you tell any military listener to know about reentry into civilian life, whether they've had this experience or just because you have tons of experience in this area, right. It's like this is you counsel veterans? And I think for all the veterans out there listening. John Henry is a is a great resource for you go to harvesting. wisdom.com he's got another website that we're gonna put a link to as well, which is more around the veterans. What's the name of that website?

John Henry Parker
transitioning veterans book.com

Greg Voisen
transitioning veterans book.com So we're gonna put a link there, if you would address in particular we have so many right now. I mean, you got all these people that are in various locations, and we have this stupid ass war in Ukraine that continues on. I mean, and yes, there are some of our guys going there to help fight with the Ukrainians. War is never, you can never say at the end of a war than anything great happens other than it ended. You know, they, you know, it does more to divide and separate people. I always said that religions frequently did more to divide people. But it's almost intolerable every time you kind of think about what's going on the inhumanity. That's, that's being located in Ukraine. It's nuts. It is it is. And people have to reenter. You know, I'm not saying that we have people in Ukraine that are reentering. But we have people from Afghan and the Afghan war went on for 12 years. Was that right? Yeah. And so you reenter, yeah, you reenter with a, you know, PTSD or something which you deal with this a lot. What advice would you have for military listeners that are coming back trying to reenter and get back with their families? And

John Henry Parker
well, I, I wrote this audio book and narrated the audio book called transitioning veterans, how we get in our own way, and what to do about it. And because I've been working for 25 years, with veterans and veterans organizations, and I was just collecting all these common dilemmas, and, you know, it comes down to a fundamentally a few things. Identity, mission, meaning and purpose, you get that when you go in the military, okay, and you're it's galvanized into you, no matter what the branch, you have a sense of identity, you know, who you are, you're wearing this uniform, your training, you have people that you work with, like in the Marine Corps, unit corps, God and country, that's the ethos, you know, the people serving next to you first, you know, then the Marine Corps, then your God, then your country. And I just saw for so many, so many years, people coming back, and they get out of the military, and if they're wounded and they get separated, or they come home, then they separate from military service after they've the career. They don't, they're not told during the transition program out of the military, hey, you're gonna go through an identity crisis, you need to reinvent yourself. So we get out and we can't fill up the void with drugs or alcohol or sex or, you know, workaholism or adrenaline, okay. But when I found the most interesting conversation with veterans is, you know, when they realized that they need to reinvent themselves specifically around creating a new identity. And I think with my son when he came back from Afghanistan and separated from the military, who are you? Like, who are you now? Who are you becoming? And his case, we decided that he needed to have an identity of being a college student. Right? Like, you're no longer in the military, you don't have a degree, your job options are limited. So what do you want to do you want to use your military benefits? So great. So then what's your new identity? I guess, to be a student? Well, then what's your first mission? And then after a lot of conversation, okay, your first mission is to go get in possession of all the educational materials, who the veterans counselors are in your area for the school, you know, and then what's what, what are you gonna do with all this? What gives you meaning and purpose? What are you thinking about? Well, he wanted to be a counselor for veterans, because so many of the people that he spoke with were non veterans weren't as relatable. So he's like, I could do a much better job. So okay, so now you have something with a future vision, what gives you meaning and purpose. So instantaneously, he was galvanized into he needs goals, like military personnel are there, they thrive on objectives. And then when you don't have one, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything? Right? I found most of the work, and also found out a lot about substance abuse. Like I really got clear that I'm not an alcoholic. I'm certainly not an addict. But I have abused alcohol and little in drugs at times when I'm talking. Mostly just binge drinking with the wrong people in the wrong situations. Because I was numbing out. You know, so taking a look at you know, how you're reconstructing your life, like who are you becoming? It's a big part of this book, the relentless pursuit of becoming who we are meant to be. So with veterans, it starts with like getting real, you know, identity, mission, meaning and purpose. If they had that when they got out cuz most people most veterans, I think we just turn our life into a mission. And like when I came home I was really just too cocky, because, you know, I had my identity as in the Marine Corps. And I was only in for a small, I didn't do a career, I was only in for one term. But it's so ingrained into you that you're once you're a Marine, you're always a Marine. There's no question, no doubt whatsoever. So it is just instilled into every single one. And so it's really tough to kick when you get out. And, you know, fortunately, I'll tell you what the biggest nugget to your question would be. Fortunately, two weeks after I got out, before I was getting out of the military, I ran into a warrant officer in a USO in Okinawa, Japan. And I was drinking with my buddies and getting really loud about what we're going to do when we get out. And when I went to get your beer, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to give me some advice. And long story short, he said, I go to the closest bookstore, I go to the Self Help section. And I'd find anything that jumps off the shelf at me and I start reading about who I'm becoming. Because I was I didn't want to go to counseling. But I certainly I could certainly start getting into personal development. And that's how I met you 20 some odd years ago. Yeah. I got into professional personal transformational development because of that one five minute conversation?

Greg Voisen
Well, you know, you, you've had a very interesting journey, and that this book about the hero's journey is, is wonderful. I can just tell for my listeners, this is extremely well written. If you're wanting to read something that you personally can relate to. Good chances are there's parts of his book you're going to relate to. And the novel, as I said, these compelling stories, and you call it the Where's wisdom, you know, what three bits of advice would you have for our listeners about personal growth? Finding out who they really are, and their purpose in life, if you are going to leave our listeners with are kind of a, this is the last question. Here's some bits of advice I could give you. What would you tell him?

John Henry Parker
was the first question because? Well,

Greg Voisen
the there's three parts to the question. But then the first part is about personal growth. What is it that you would tell them, you just actually told me in the last one, you said, go to a bookstore and find a book and start to explore yourself? The second one is finding out who you really are, and their purpose in life so that I know when you find out who you are you find your purpose. You know, Curiosity is basically something that I think people need to have, if they're going to find a purpose, right? Focus, as you said, You're determined you're on a mission. I've done many interviews with Steven Kotler who talks about hacking flow, right? So you talk about how do I get into the flow while you focus is for free? Having curiosity is important. Having a purpose is important, and then turning that purpose into goals. And those goals and proximal goals, right? So if you were to say, well, what is the personal growth cycle? It's not that difficult. It's like you have to be curious, you have to have a purpose, right? You need to be on purpose more than you're off purpose. You need to have a set of goals or aims. You can't be attached to those aims. Because they don't always work out the way you think they're going to work out. So if in your mind's eye you go, Hey, this is the way I'm going to build this empire, do whatever doesn't always work out that way. So as long as you don't get too attached to it and you're flexible, I think you're in pretty good space. Right? But what would you say about purpose and, and I say finding out who you are.

John Henry Parker
Well, Viktor Frankl you need go no further than looking at Maastricht. For me.

Greg Voisen
Yeah, definitely Frankl

John Henry Parker
Viktor Frankl was a mental health professional who was taken to the concentration camps, his family was taken away. As soon as they were dead, and they stripped them all was closed and then they told him to take off his wedding ring. And in that moment, he discovered that the only thing he had control of was how he responded to his captor right. And so He then wrote Man's Search for Meaning and carried the manuscript I guess, in the in his jacket, okay. And it became a worldwide phenomenon for from meaning and purpose therapy logotherapy and I was adopted by the whole VA system. You know, what, what meaning and purpose can you draw from your or city, like, there must be some reason why you survived. That is to, you know, that's going to somehow give you meaning and purpose and create something extraordinary with your life and it's up to us to find it. You know, and so

Greg Voisen
when he was in those concentration camps, another thing he said, and this could relate very much to your father, you know, he, your dad did everything he could. I don't think intentionally, it was more of subconscious, but to strip you of, of your dignity, you know, your identity, your a dignity, whatever. And Frankl said that at some point in the book, that these concentration camp officers would attempt to break you down to where you, your where identity less than you didn't, your dignity was gone, right, just the way that they treated you with the slop they gave you everything. And he said, If you can always overcome that you can overcome almost anything. Right? Yeah. You know, how about the guy who spent what it was 363 days in a in a concentration camp, I forget. And then he, I remember watching him to do a speech. And he loved playing golf. So he played golf in his mind over and over and over again, for 365 days, right? And he got out and they said, what do you want to do? And he says, I want to play golf. And he went to a golf course. And he shot an actual par. It was like as he played it in his mind's eye, no matter what they did to him. You know, they weren't going to strip him of one thing that he really loved doing right, which was I thought that was an amazing story. Right? It's like he hadn't had a golf club in his hand for like, three years.

John Henry Parker
Wow. Yeah, that's impressive. Yeah,

Greg Voisen
exactly. Exactly. So I think when you're when you're in that situation, like you were with your father or anybody is they've got to, like, start putting images in their mind's eye that are completely different than the situation they're in. Right?

John Henry Parker
Right. Well, I would, yeah, I would time travel, I would check out and I would find ways for me to not be present. So I learned how to numb out unfortunately. And that carried with me for a long time. And then I also have hid out a lot. Yeah, you're asking me earlier. And then like, what's the key? For me, I found out that I was so good at hiding out that I could watch others and in competitions, and the military was really easy to hide out. And I could watch how people crumbled and how their body posture didn't quite work. And I got to see massive amounts of failure. And I would intentionally hold back. So when I when I would get a really pretty good idea of what it's going to take to do something and I would probably nail it on the first try. Or, or I would just how I would show up and look and communicate would be so much more congruent that I was able to get through things. And what I learned when I went to this program that warriors wisdom years later is go first, go first. That was a big deal for me, because I was so conditioned to hiding out not wanting to be embarrassed not wanting to look bad, you know that I was just literally hiding out. And I was really good at mimicking and modeling and matching, like what's going on in my surroundings. From a survival point of view, I was really good at that. And then I learned I started learning. Like when I got to the Marine Corps, I had very limited vocabulary and a very limited range of emotions. And I had a rage problem. I got in a lot of trouble in military because of rage, you know, and alcohol related rage incidents, you know, and so, you know, being able to really kind of focus on who I'm becoming personal development for me, was my just the biggest ticket and everybody I've ever talked to, like that warrant officer that met me where I was and told me to go to the Self Help section of the bookstore. I've been paying that five minute conversation forward 10s of 1000s of times since that moment, and I never saw that guy again. You know, and so that your life can transform in a blink. You know, if you're it's not even if you're ready for it, but if you're open,

Greg Voisen
you know, yeah. And I think it's also being aware of the messages, right. In other words, if you're going through life with a heightened sense of mindfulness and awareness, you can pick up on these subtle messages that are coming from everywhere. And you get an opportunity to redirect the course of your life as a result of GLAAD as a result of your grandparents, as a result of all the good people in your life that we're instilling great behavior and learnings into teachings right, that you then could carry forward to your kids. And it's been an honor having me on inside personal growth and talking about your book. For everybody who is listening. We'll have a link to the book comes out March 23. Be the dawn in the darkness. John Henry Parker, John Henry, Namaste to you. Thank you for being on the show. Thanks for spending some time with my listeners. A great opportunity to hear about your personal story but as important the lessons that you learned and the lessons that my listeners can take away.

John Henry Parker
Thanks for having me. It's been wonderful. Appreciate it.