Greg Voisen
Well, welcome back to Inside Personal Growth. This is Greg Voisen, the host of Inside Personal Growth. And Debbie, where are you joining us from?

Debbie Weiss
I am coming to you from New Jersey,

Greg Voisen
New Jersey. All right, good old New Jersey. And it looks like from the back window, that things there today are pretty nice outside.

Debbie Weiss
Absolutely.

Greg Voisen
It's a pleasure to have you on inside personal growth and be a guest. I saw your video with Jack Canfield at your website, who's been on our show many times. And this is a topic that all my listeners around personal growth are going to want to listen to. Because it's a recurring thing. But this is your memoir, this book. And the book is called On Second Thought… Maybe I Can! Can you hold up a copy of that?

Debbie Weiss
Absolutely.

Greg Voisen
There you go. And this is Debbie's first book, right, Debbie?

Debbie Weiss
It is, sir. Sure is the first of many to come.

Greg Voisen
Okay. And here's the deal. When you go on an internet, there's another author, Debbie wife, make sure you put Debbie, our wife D bb ierweiss.com. Because it's easy to make the mistake just typing in Debbie Weiss, and you're gonna come up with another author, not she's a bad lady. But the reality is, is that you want to get to Debbie R. And I'm going to repeat that, again are Weiss. And Debbie, I want to let our listeners know just a tad bit about you. Like many of us, Debbie grew up with those programs and beliefs in your life. That you're not enough. She had that upbringing and experience that way. It's certainly shaped by all the people and places and circumstances that are in all of our lives. We all have these events. In she said she wasn't ever one to question that belief. But there became a point, which is why this book is called On Second Thought… Maybe I Can! where she did question that. And she then gave it a really, really deep thought. Her life changed forever. The day she graduated from high school. And when her dad had a massive stroke, because she took care of her dad for years and years. He survived and she was the primary caregiver for 30 years. This was the beginning of me taking care of everyone else, at the expense of herself. In many caregivers out there understand that. She was a fixer, she was a problem solver. And so she had all these beliefs running. And she finally said when she turned 50. She said, I can't. And this is an interesting book. It's a journey. It's her memoir. I'm going to tell everybody go to the website, learn more about Debbie, we're going to have and hold the book up again, Debbie, please, we're going to have a link to amazon so that you can go get a copy of maybe I can second thought maybe I can. Well, Debbie, let's just start this out. You know, on second thought maybe I can immediately conveys somebody who's going to look at the jacket or book, a shift in mindset, or like okay, yeah, I get this. And I've done that. Maybe, or maybe I haven't, maybe I've questioned myself. You mentioned in the introduction in the book that you were always the victim. Okay, well, the victim mentality, as we know, doesn't work. Um, what? What inspired you to write this and go through this transformative experience? Because that was a big one for you just even writing the book?

Debbie Weiss
Oh, absolutely. And let me just say thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. And thank you for accentuating the our, because it is a it is an issue for me. So thanks for

Greg Voisen
common mistake. I could Yeah, I would make

Debbie Weiss
totally, completely. So. I had a transformation when I was 50, as you said, where I my whole life. I was a victim of my circumstances. It wasn't like I was living a bad life. And I certainly had a lot of things to be grateful for. But it was difficult. And it wasn't my life. I wasn't steering the course. And I didn't realize that I could I just thought that these are the things that happen to me in my life, for whatever reason. This is this is the hand I was dealt. And now I just play it out till the end. And when I realized, no, that does not necessarily have to be the case. Regardless of my circumstances. I am still in control of how I respond to those circumstances and what I want my life to look like. It was this amazing aha moment and I thought to myself I'm a fairly intelligent person, I've made it over 50 years not knowing this, there must be other people out there who are like me who don't know. And those are the people that I want to reach. Because as soon as I recognize that, and I start to take chat steps to change my mindset, my life began to look completely different. And I felt so compelled to let everyone else know, well, how do you do that? Am I going to do stand on the roof of my house and, and shout, I'm not gonna write a

Greg Voisen
book, and I'm gonna write exactly StartUp podcast, I saw your podcasts do so for all my listeners. If you go to that website, there's a podcast there, you can find her on Spotify and iTunes as well. And, you know, that is cool, because we all now can share our message. I've been doing these podcasts now for 17 years with authors who've been telling their messages. And every day I learned something people say, so why do you keep doing it? You know, you've done 1000, almost 1100 podcasts. And I say it's because I learned something from somebody, everybody's got a story. And everybody's story is different. There's a theme that runs through them usually. And it's kind of the hero's journey theme that we all know about with Joseph Campbell. But there was a specific moment or event in your life that sparked the second thought, and you discuss it in the book, you speak about being a CPA, you talked about being an insurance broker, you talked about taking care of your father, you talked about taking care of your husband, Gary was diagnosed with terminal blood cancer, and two children, it sounds like your plate was extremely full. And no time for Debbie. Where was this specific moment or series of moments for you? That added up that said, hey, I can change my life.

Debbie Weiss
So let me just go back a little bit because I don't talk about it too much in the book specifically. But my oldest son was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum when he was two. And that began, probably, I don't want to say the most important caregiving journey, but for anybody who's a parent, you understand that when your child has issues, there's nothing that affects you more. And he's now 22 And still struggling. And you know, that caregiving experience was and has is still very intense. So started before your father. That started after my father because I was, yeah, cuz I was 17. I started caring for my dad. And then I was 37 when I had my oldest son.

Greg Voisen
Okay, okay. And I know about autism and the challenges for parents, you need a respite. But I worked raising money for a school that had 625 autistic kids, we were building a whole new school for him. And I saw the challenges every day. And I think people out there who have children with autism understand your dilemma and challenges. Those that don't know that it's, it's a lifetime kind of journey. It really is, all the way into the point when you die, who's going to take care of that child? So you really started quite young seven, I mean, you're saying all the way back at 17. So your, as they say nose was to the grindstone.

Debbie Weiss
Yep. before I was even launched. So by the time I got to my 50th birthday, I think my oldest son was 11, or 12. And my younger sons two years younger, and my husband, who along with my older son also suffered and suffers from mental illness. It was scary to leave them but my friends insisted for my 50th birthday, that it was time that I do something just for me. And I figured I'm gonna go away on this trip, I'm not going to enjoy myself, because I'm going to be worried about my kids. And my husband and I Dad had passed away a couple of years earlier. So that was no longer a concern or a worry. But I forced myself. And from the minute that I met my friends at the airport, the laughter just started, and it never stopped. I didn't really think about my kids and my husband too much. I actually realized at that moment, I had lost my laugh. I had lost my laugh, which actually when I was younger, I kind of have this loud annoying cackle a little bit and I was known for my laugh. And I forgot that I forgot what it felt like to laugh. I had jumped into something so serious at such an early age and like you said, I just hit the ground running. And I had been running from the time I was 17. Until that day when I turned 50. And it was in that moment, where I've realized, what am I going to do? I'm 50? How many years do I have left? Nobody knows. But do I want to be that person that gets to the end of my life, and looks back with regret, I would never have regret for taking care of all my family members, because I have no regret about that. My regret back

Greg Voisen
here. That's the point for you where insecurity and doubt, became confidence. And you know, throughout your book, you guide readers to transition from doubt, to a space of possibility and self-belief. And we know that if we don't love ourselves, it's very hard to love somebody else. Right? That's 101 message from all personal growth stuff. And it's not, you know, self-nurturing and care is so important. And I can hardly imagine how many years you went. Without that. You state that you wanted to share with people who were out there becoming, they wanted to become something more and still becoming? What is the core beliefs that have to change for people, for them to get this to say, okay, I woke up, right, I had an epiphany, an aha moment. Maybe it didn't happen in one moment, it was over a series of a lot of moments. But the point is, that they could wake up and do what you've done. Right? What would you tell people what was like this key emotion for you, that really took you across the finish line?

Debbie Weiss
belief, belief, and conviction that it was possible. I think, like when you approach anything, it can feel like a mountain and breaking it down into small steps and not putting so much pressure on yourself. You're not going to change your life, you know, oh, I just decided I'm going to change my life. Oh, tomorrow, it looks completely different. Right? It's baby steps. There's so many different areas of our life. And that's why you say yeah, becoming I'm still becoming, and I think we all are still becoming right. We never get to the point where we have completely evolved. That's what life is. That's what life's journey is about. But I think belief and like you said, loving yourself and believing in yourself. And it all starts with your thoughts.

Greg Voisen
Yeah. Well, I mean, everybody out there understands that we've been programmed since up till around the age of seven, the programs get slotted in we keep for replaying those programs, whether you watch this happen in your own household, meaning as a child, you wrote a lot about your childhood, discuss some of the common barriers people face when trying to change this mindset. Because they do. And you did, let's face it, 50 years old, that you address in this work in the book, speak about, one of them for you was weight, being one of those barriers, the other one was finding a guy to love. I mean, it was reality as you went through all this dating stuff, and the guys from high school and, you know, turning your house into as what you called it kind of like a brothel, which was kind of really interesting. But the point was, is that you were seeking something, let's put it this way. You were seeking something. The weight was an issue. You said your rest of your family was skinny and you weren't. And you could never figure it out. Your brother was skinny, your dad was skinny, everybody was skinny, except you. And you almost felt I read it. And I was like, you almost felt like you were tagged the weirdo in the family, right? That's the way I read into it. I don't know if that's true. But tell people how to kind of discuss these common barriers in mindset and how they would work out of them.

Debbie Weiss
Well, first, let me say it's not easy, because they are ingrained in us. Right. And you talk about my weight, which is, you know, I'm going to be 60 in a few weeks and it's still an issue and actually just the other day, I was talking to my friend about this store. Marie, when, well, seven years ago, we were in Jamaica on a girls trip for another friend's 50th birthday. And we were at the little like Cove in a beach. And these guys came up who were like in their late 20s, and early 30s, and drinking and stuff. And they actually started calling me names like that. So I'm here I am 53 years old, and all the work that I felt that I had done. That moment transported me right back into being 13 instead of 53. So it's, it's an ongoing process. And I, I think instead of focusing on all of, you know, look, I'm doing all of these limiting beliefs, therapy how to,

Greg Voisen
how to free yourself, Debbie from that emotional body. You know, the work that's out there people speak about is the emotional body it carries, almost like this DNA. So look, you are carrying this weight thing for a long time. But you love yourself more now than you ever have absolutely written this book, if you didn't. So you had to overcome that emotional body about those guys on the beach that called you fat. So now they could probably call you fat. So even though you're not, and it wouldn't have the same charge? You're following me? In other words, I

Debbie Weiss
do. I do, I guess, I guess I'm being honest, and saying it would still bother me, I hate to admit it, it would still bother me. And that's, that's where you know, the work. I need further work. Because for me, that is something that has been a constant from the moment that I was born. And it's hard to, it's hard to undo that. But I think what's changed is that I realize that's just not who I am. My weight does not define me as a person. And I'm able to say, you have so many strengths. And those were things I never focused on before I never gave myself credit for. Because all I thought about is what I wasn't, I wasn't skinny, I didn't look good in a bathing suit. I can't wear shorts, I am back as a child, I was uncomfortable to speak up. Because every I felt like everybody was always judging me. And that's how I viewed my persona. That's what I felt. If I wasn't then boys didn't find me attractive. And men didn't find me attractive, even though it was obvious that they connected with me, you know, in every other way. So it was very defining because I couldn't get a boyfriend because of the way my body was not because of the person that I was. And it was that real releasing and stepping into my power in all the other gifts that I have, that have much more to do with my self-worth, then, you know, the size pants I wear? Well, look,

Greg Voisen
That’s only one element of Debbie and the, the emotional connection to that I I hear that it's very deep seated, but you share a lot of stories and experiences. And I want to know, you know, because many of you talked about the boyfriends and the weight and your husband and your father and I mean, it goes on and on and on. It's your memoir. Do you find any of those stories particularly difficult even still here today to tell? And what do you hope the reader takes away from those all those stories? Because

Debbie Weiss
you have a lot of them? Yeah, so you

Greg Voisen
said you're the victim. You said right off the bat, that victim mentality, likes to tell stories and then believe the stories and the way out of victim mentality is to not address the story and No, that isn't you.

Debbie Weiss
Right, so yep. I have two stories that one was more difficult than I realized to tell the other I wasn't going to tell. So the first story that was difficult to as I was writing it, putting myself back there and most of the stories actually when you sit down to write it and recall it and try and get back into the that moment in time were painful. The infertility story was especially hard for me, I went through a lot of infertility struggles. And, you know, it's something that I really hadn't thought about in a long time. And that was tough. That was tough, because I forgot, I forgot just how difficult emotionally that was, and how absolutely blessed I am to now be able to say that after six in vitro shows, I do have two sons. So that was a difficult story for me to tell not to share, because I feel it's very important to share that with other people so that they know they're not alone. I mean, so many of the stories, like you said, there's so many different themes, because there have been different themes in my life. But there was one story that when I originally laid out the stories, I was going to tell this was not a part of it. And I realized that if I really was doing what I, if I was going to do what I set out to do, I had to be completely honest, and even share a part of me that very, very few people knew, I think only one person knew before I came out with the story. And it was about money. And it was about the shame, I felt over how deeply into debt and into trouble I had gotten myself with into, you know, with money. And, and so much of the shame was because of my background, like you said earlier, I, I am a CPA, I haven't practiced in almost 30 years, but I am, and I am an insurance agent, and you know, numbers are my thing. But I, I let my life circumstances dictate and made some very poor decisions with money. And it was I was very I am and was very embarrassed. But each time I talk about it, and the fact that I share it, I know that it's connecting to other people who feel the same way that I do. And that's why I had to tell it. Well, that's so

Greg Voisen
vulnerable of you. And I think for many of the listeners, you know, they've stories about vulnerability with money, your, your being able to become pregnant, are our common stories, you know, the challenges, society puts a stigma on the money one, they put a stigma on the fertility one. And it's not only the bigger world doing that, then it's all the people around you, we then start questioning who is Debbie, how to Debbie get into this position or whatever. And we know that these are all when I want to call around your beliefs, as you say, it's a belief that I hold about money. It's a belief and an emotion that I hold around infertility beyond the individual, how do you believe a shift from the I can't to maybe I can impact relationships, communities, and even workplaces because that's a big one. That's it's a, it's a big shift to go to I can versus I can't, that I can't mentality is around victim, someone else always did it to me. I always tell people on the show. If you think somebody else who you're going to marry or be in a relationship with is here to make You're happy. You're 100% Wrong. So only one person is going to make you happy. And that's you that you're happy. Don't expect anyone outside of yourself to actually do these things for you don't have an expectation about so what would you say to shift from the I can't to? Maybe I can and I'd probably say if I took out the word maybe I'd say I can't.

Debbie Weiss
Absolutely, absolutely. So I added into the title or the title is on second thought dot dot dot maybe I can for a reason. I had lived my life anytime anything new was presented to me. It could have been something as small and I wrote about it at the end of the book as Oh, do you want to learn how to knit? Nope, I can't do that. I can't do that. I'm not crafty. I'm not handy. I'm not this. I'm not that. Anytime anything. Either. Somebody's presenting it to me or even a thought going through my head like oh, I want wonder if I can do such and such? Right away? It was Nope, I can't do that. And I have a million reasons run through my head why I can't do that. And most of them are fear based, but I'm not realizing that then I would stop. That's it. Done. I can't next. But if we pause to say, on second thought, maybe I can, we never explored the reasons why it might be a possibility. Why isn't it if you look back to think of all the things that you've accomplished, that you thought you couldn't do in the past, we need to draw on that. And instead of just stopping at all the reasons, excuses lies that we tell ourselves, we need to pause, take a beat, and move on to Yes, maybe I can, or better yet, I can. Well,

Greg Voisen
It’s one thing to talk about shifting a belief of when I got my master's degree in spiritual psychology, one of the sayings in the course was, you don't have to believe everything you think. And I think it's so important. Because we start to then live in the world of making stuff up. And then we start to live that world that becomes our world. And it's stuff we believe, about ourselves and the world around us. And I'm trying to remember the author's name, but she always used to say, is it true? Is it really true? You know, the key is, is it true? And you have actionable steps or exercises? Or are there exercises or things that you did? Because I always think that people, you know, you being a CPA, you being a numbers person, there's this logical side of you that has to say, hey, what were the things that I actually did and practice and became a habit and a routine? To break through the barriers? Of I can't, to I can, and I think that's where the listeners are gonna get a lot out of this. What would you tell them? Or how would you tell them you approach that? What advice do

Debbie Weiss
you have? So I didn't know I was doing it. But it did start with my weight journey. I, after that, aha moment, I joined Weight Watchers. For the millionth time, I'm the same age as Weight Watchers. So we've had a journey, a six year journey together. And every other time that I joined, it was, how much weight can I lose every week? Oh, I need to lose 25 pounds by that wedding, or the summer or my birthday. And if I didn't accomplish that goal, or if I veered off track for a few days, I was a failure. And that was the end. And this time, I said, well, clearly that's not working, right. So if I do the same thing, that's the definition of insanity. Let me try something different. I'm just gonna go to these meetings. That's it. No other expectations, I don't care if I lose weight, I don't care. None of that stuff matters. I just am making a vow with myself that I'm going to go to a meeting every week. And I did that, and I really didn't lose much weight. And then once I had that down, and I was enjoying it, you know, I was I was in the zone there, I added on something else and something else. And I realized at that moment, that this this is, this is not an on again, off again thing, I have to change the way that I am approaching this. And Weight Watchers didn't change. You know, yeah, they tweaked their programs every year. It was it was how I was thinking about it that changed. And when I had some success there, I thought to myself, Well, how else can I apply this mindset shift? I was I've never even had really heard about the term personal development. So I was contemplating this discovery journey on my own where I could have really fast forwarded via had been introduced to it earlier. What I then wound up doing was listening to my gut, paying more money than I really wanted to and joining a course of a from a podcaster that I had listened to who was a motivational speaker who had lost weight who had paid off debt, you know, some many similar similarities. So I felt that connection to her. And I dove right in and that was really my introduction. And in that course, she introduced me to journaling. And I was terrified because I am a numbers person. And what am I going to write, I don't understand this, like I needed, you know, very analytical. Luckily, she gave me a journal that said, fill in this here, fill in that here. And this over here. Of course, when it said affirmations, I didn't know what that was. But then I start Googling, right. And so I really just, I opened myself up to different ideas and things that I had been so closed off about. Same thing with meditation, I had tried meditation, I thought, I thought I would die a minute, I couldn't sit there for a minute, I was jumping out of my skin, I thought I couldn't do it, my mind is racing. And then I experimented. And I found something. And so slowly, I started to incorporate all of these different tools that I had been closed off to before. And slowly but surely, through all of these things, it opened me up to the possibility and I started paying attention to the signs that the universe was giving me instead of, you know, huddling down in fear. I started listening. And when you open yourself up in those ways as meditation and journaling, and then I did some breath work, like, you know, I just kept being curious. Yeah, that changes,

Greg Voisen
Well, you input, you point to an important thing, these are things that you do to become. So in other words, a journal, whether you read it or you don't read it, it's not important. The fact is, you journaled, the meditation is around focus and concentration, and removing the chatter that's within the mind. Now, that doesn't mean I just have gentlemen on here did a podcast, three minutes a day meditation within these trying to ramp people up to say, look, it doesn't have to be a half an hour, you can literally take short, little meditations. And I think all of these techniques that you've shared, like your journaling, and your meditation, and your weight watchers and things you do, helped you change a habit, but most importantly, they helped you get in touch with your intuition, is what I'm reading and your intuition was speaking to you. You didn't know how to discern because somebody who comes from numbers, thinks, oh, my gosh, what is that voice I'm hearing or what is that feeling I'm getting or whatever it is. And it's, it's really discounting it, you finally opened up to hear it, and then act upon it. And I'm gonna tell everybody out there that this book is about a memoir of somebody who woke up to an intuitive thought feeling, and then started trusting it, and then started acting on it, whatever that might be for you. So once somebody embraces the maybe I can perspective, what would be your advice for their subsequent journey of personal growth? Because, hey, if I can get there, do you have any advice for that?

Debbie Weiss
Well, I think, Where is there, you know, it's just, I think that's probably where I am now. I'm just now that I'm tapping into these things. I just want to know more. I just want to learn more, I want to see what else is out there. I shut myself off to the world basically, for over 50 years. Hey, I don't know how much time I have left. But from now on, I'm gonna live each day to the fullest, and now we're gonna we're just turned

Greg Voisen
60. Is that right?

Debbie Weiss
Almost less than three weeks to go.

Greg Voisen
Okay. Well, I had in July my 69th birthday. And I think time puts on perspective. What it is you want to apply things to, in other words, for much of our life, we're doing things and they're not silly. They're just things because we don't know any different. But once you have a knowing, you really want to apply yourself to things that can be significant, that can make a difference. You know, even people are super successful. They might not have significance in their life. Somebody like you has found significance by what you do your podcasting, your writing your book, what it is that you're doing, and it's fulfilling you it has meaning. And I think that's important thing. If there's one underlying message or lesson that you'd like to leave the readers with our listeners with a takeaway from the book, what would that be? What would you want to say, Debbie? Our wife

Debbie Weiss
So in the book, I talk about the fact that I was always a girl without a quote, everybody else seemed to have some kind of quote that was significant to them. I never had that. And I didn't understand how anyone could. Couple years ago, it came to me, I thought I was the one who actually came up with these great words, but it wasn't, it was Glinda, the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz, who said, you've always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself. And honestly, every time I say it, I really do feel emotional. Because I didn't know it. I didn't know I had the power. And now that I know, I can do something about it. And so my message is that each of us has the power within us. But it's up to us to tap into that power and do something with it. Well,

Greg Voisen
Your book is a great memoir and life journey with lots of lessons. And people can read books, they're all I mean, let's face it, there's millions of books out there on Amazon. But I want to acknowledge you for being authentic, for being vulnerable, for telling these stories, because it takes a lot of courage. It also takes a lot of faith. And it also takes a good sense of intuition to really decide what you're going to weave into this book. And I believe that it regardless of the memoir, it's exceptionally done. So kudos to you, thank you, and it provides an opportunity for to awaken people to what you want to awaken within them is that I can I know right above your head, it says maybe I can, and I am a sprinkle of hearts, I say that you can. And Debbie, you have exemplified somebody who's been through such pain, such suffering, such challenges with everything, so many aspects, but you found happiness and all of that in the end, and you found contentment and you found meaning. And I think for my listeners, no matter what the journey is, if in the end, you can find contentment and happiness and peace and meaning, right? You've really got everything you need. And then the happiness is a result of all of that. Right? So kudos to you. Thank you for being on inside personal growth, sharing your personal story and the journey and the lessons you've learned and hopefully will awaken some of our listeners to that. Thanks, Debbie. Namaste.

Debbie Weiss
Namaste. Thank you, Greg.